i love you mom

I’m sitting here on my bed in my freshly rearranged room within my Hautian apartment reading a book of poems that my own mother has given me. The book is titled To My Son with Love by Susan Polis Shutz. I’m not entirely sure where mom got this book by my gut tells me it once found its home in my paternal grandmother’s house. If indeed this were true it would only add meaning to the book but regardless of its origin it is simply a collection of poems that Susan wrote to her two sons as they were growing up through their childhoods.

Why am I writing about a book of poems? Well my life has been a little topsy turby for a while now. There are many things that if given the chance to go back in time to change I would take in a heartbeat. However there are many other things from which I have learned valuable life lessons and wouldn’t change for anything. This book feels like my own mother is speaking to me. I’m not even half way through the book and yet with every passing page I feel as though I’m growing closer with my mom. I know my mom loves me and I hope that she knows that I truly love her in return. No matter what happens I know I will always have the comfort of mom’s love.

I love you mom.

killin time…trying to keep my mind occupied

So I’m out here on the east coast for spring break sitting on my temporary air mattress with an urge to answer nature’s call. “Why are you telling me this” you ask. Well the answer is simple my dear friends. There is no water to flush. I’m out here with Ev visiting her parents in their new house and there is a problem with the shower so it’s being fixed therefore the water is shut off hence no water to flush the toilets so here I wait.

I don’t really have much to talk about except that I just finished posting on my other blornal (blog + journal). I’m not sure I will remember that term but hey it was fun to make up. Well I think I will close this post for now because the plan for today is to hop the metro and buzz down to our nation’s capital.

Have a good one!

“Antigonish” by William Hughes Mearns

Yesterday upon the stair

I met a man who wasn’t there

He wasn’t there again today

Oh, how I wish he’d go away

When I came home last night at three

The man was waiting there for me

But when I looked around the hall

I couldn’t see him there at all!

Go away, go away, don’t you come back any more!

Go away, go away, and please don’t slam the door

Last night I saw upon the stair

A little man who wasn’t there

He wasn’t there again today

Oh, how I wish he’d go away

stopped by a train

I left Ev’s apartment this evening and journeyed back to the video store to return a rental. On the way I discovered a little diner on 25th St. I’m not sure if it’ll be any good but I always have this secret desire and temptation to try out any diner that I happen to stumble across. I’m not sure if it was that draw to diners or the fact that the sign out front mentioned something about biscuits and gravy, my favorite breakfast food, that’s got my interest so peeked.

 Anyway on the way back from my intended destination I was feeling rushed as I so often do with no reason or purpose just the learned mindset to always be rushing around and staying busy to meet deadlines (which I ultimately never seem to meet anyways). As soon as I realized I was jittery and rushing I looked down the road to see that the RR crossing arms were down and flashing. My first reaction…”well that’s just great.” My reaction after realizing what was actually happening…”thanks God for slowing me down.” It’s funny how much more you learn to appreciate and enjoy the simple passing of a train when it’s the very thing that God has used to help you.

After driving over the tracks I was a little more relaxed and drawn to the song on the radio. Now I’m not exactly sure if the author of this song intends it to be positive, negative, or neutral but the lyrics were strangely soothing and calming. I connected with the song and felt like it was God simply telling me “I know and I’ve been right there with you guys.” The song was “I Can’t Make It Rain” by Houston Country and the lyrics are as follows, enjoy…

You said Something had to give
You said this ain’t no way to live
Last Thing I wanted was to lose you
Now I have done all I can do

Girl, I have learned how to listen to you
I’ve learned when to walk away
I’ve Changed What Needed Changing
You know I’ve come a long way

So Here I stand on your doorstep
It still ain’t good enough
I’ve done all I can, hear what you say
I, I Can’t Make it Rain

I Tried to keep that fire lit
I can’t make your heart forget
All Those Mistakes That I made
I have to live with it everyday

Girl, I have learned how to listen to you
I’ve learned when to walk away
I’ve Changed What Needed Changing
You know I’ve come a long way

So Here I stand on your doorstep
It still ain’t good enough
I’ve done all I can, hear what you say
I, I Can’t Make it Rain

I’d Move Heaven and Earth if I could
But Baby I ain’t that good

Girl, I have learned how to listen to you
I’ve learned when to walk away
I’ve Changed What Needed Changing
You know I’ve come a long way

So Here I stand on your doorstep
It still ain’t good enough
I’ve done all I can, hear what you say
I, I Can’t Make it Rain
I, I Can’t Make it Rain

invitation

Hello. It’s been a while and I’ve missed writing. I’ve been finding it challenging these days to get focused and I think I’ve discovered why. Brothers and sisters, friends and neighbors listen up, as my professor so often begins. The reason for my recent challenge and lack of focus is because I have fallen into a rut in my life. I must admit to you that I haven’t been faithful to the one I so lovingly called Father. I’ve lost God. There’s been no one else to blame for this except myself after all I, as an individual, have been given the gift of free will and the ultimate choice to choose God’s way or my way. Let me tell you that my way hasn’t been working very well in my spiritual life, social life, professional life, and for me the worst thing is it’s been hindering and straining my relationship with Ev.

“Why so depressing,” you might ask and to that I say, “There’s more and my story isn’t over.” I’m recognizing that I need to cheer up and begin enjoying life. For that reason I’m going to start a new blog (rossowen.wordpress.com). My intentions for this blog are to be a sort of journal for my personal study in The Word and a medium through which my soul and Holy Spirit can speak. This post is an official invite to come visit my new blog. I may still make posts on here about general things I don’t feel should be on the other blog so feel free to visit both sites at you leisure. I wish you all well and may God bless you abundantly.

…until next time

who am i?

This year has been a season of change in my life or if you’d rather think of it as a season of seasons. What I mean by that is since this past summer I have felt as if I’m in a perpetual state of 2 week to several month periods of time where God shifts my focus on a different area of what is outside of my comfort zone. For example this past week I haven’t felt as though I’ve been “fitting in” in other words when I’m around the many different groups of people in my life who’s inner dynamics range and span the spectrum of personalities it’s as if my ability, some instinctual some learned, to express only the parts of me that are fluidly accepted by that group is confused. Now you may be thinking that my word choices are extremely confusing, but follow me on this. Whether we know it or not we all to some degree or another only show those certain parts about us that we know as individuals will be willingly ingested by those with whom we surround ourselves. Alright alright you need an example? Ok let’s pretend you have graduated college and you are employeed with a full time position in your chosen career field. For the sake of this example I’ll use the manufacturing industry simply because that’s what I know. Now, who I am at work and the professionalism I do my best to implement in that environment is not generally who I am with my closest friends because I feel comfortable enough to relax and cut up with those people. Even within that quality time I spend with people I live with or go to church with I’m still not sure I am who they want me to be. That being said I don’t want to be a comformist and make myself into someone I’m not just to feel acceptance from anyone. I am who I am even if that is a bit confused some, or most, of the time. My point for this blog I suppose is that being yourself is tough and can be taxing at times.

Untitled

As I’ve stated before (probably in a post that I’ve long since deleted) one of my struggles with blogging is that I have so many thoughts in my head that for the most part are private and not for public viewing. Even with this constant underlying issue I’m always analyzing, always contemplating, always trying to figure out ways to reword, generalize, or just simply vomit out of my brain the raw material that the neurons, firing faster in some situations than others, produce. This is the reasoning for extended lapses in my blog postings. I have found however that if I just open a new blog box and make my fingers start systematically pressing strategic buttons on the keyboard that somehow someway a blog post will begin to synthesis. The other fascinating thing that I’m going to go out on a limb to claim is that more times then not the post gets further and further off the author’s intended path. This intrigues me from the stand point that a philospher might claim that with an inanimant enitity such as a blog post in this case could have a form of life with the ability to change and adapt according to it’s voice or personality. The interesting thing to note is that this very blog has followed this model to the letter.

The other thing that I’ve noticed over my last couple or so posts and theme change is that I start writing at of a very emotional state be it sadness, anger, frustration, fear, worry, lonliness, quandary, critical thinking, or whichever verb, adjective, adverb, or other grammatical function you so choose that appears to fit into what most would perceive as a relatively negative family of words but in the end I always seem to be left with a since of relief much like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. This relief may manifest itself in such forms as happiness, joy, relaxation, a sense of peacefulness, or an overall calm amongst the storm. I have a friend that once told me that words have power and while these wise words were said within a spiritual context such is also true outside of the realm that many would mistakenly refer to as “religion” as is apparent with the aforementioned autobiographical example.

Now that I’ve received that relief that I all too often seek in unnecessary secular activities or items rather than in writing with the intended outcome of praising my heavenly father I think I will leave you all with a better glimpse of my more intellectual side. This side of me seeks not to have words dumbed down but rather to understand the more challenging words with which our given tongue has gifted us. I got none of my intended thoughts out but I hope that I have been somewhat worthy of your viewing, but more importantly I hope that you have been in some way blessed by taking some time out of your schedule to read this post. Whether you know it or not by you reading this post you have indirectly blessed me with your presence as well as you genuine expression of my worth by the devotion of your time which has ultimately been gifted, lent, and entrusted to you by someone much higher than yourself.

“Let go and I’ll break you.”

I wonder if anyone else has ever been at a point in there life when situations stop you in your tracks and then maturity come and smacks you in the face, but that’s the best way I can describe where I am. It’s been a while since I’ve last posted which has mostly been due to a busy schedule, but also because I’ve been trying to control everything. I’m not gunna lie it really sucks when God comes up behind you, taps on your shoulder, and says, “Let go and in return I’ll break you.” Now none of you reading this are idiots, so we all know how painful it is when God breaks us. (That’s actually a humorous thought to think that multiple people read this.) Anyway as sad, depressing, or negative as all this may sound the good news is that growth, maturity, and closeness with our Lord and Savior doesn’t come without being broken at least every once in a while.

Here’s wishing everyone deep spiritual growth.

a word of wisdom

so not to sound like i know it all but lately i had an epiphany that you might say should have been obvious but often times we as western thinkers all too often get caught up in linear thinking and miss the simple answers in life. this all started years ago and has continued every time i ponder which book of the bible to start reading next. well brothers, sister, and friends alike i would like to suggest that when you don’t know where in the bible to start reading; start at the start. just crack open the cover and begin with Gen 1:1. as you read let yourself become immersed in the story of creation that was written as an eastern piece of literature. in other words the bible is full of imagery and mystical happenings so set aside your analytical tendancies for a few minutes and imagine what it must have been like to experience the birth of all that I AM saw with His own eyes as good. i truly believe that sometimes God just wants to impress us so let Him, the supreme author, impress you as much if not more than your favorite novelist, poet, and/or author.

One Last Breath by Creed

Please come love
I think I’m falling
Holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I’ve found the road to no where
And i’m trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say…

Hold me now
I’m 6 feet from the edge
And I’m thinkin
Maybe 6 feet ain’t so far down

I’m lookin down
Now that its over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out
Heaven save me
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say
Let me say..

Hold me now
I’m 6 feet from the edge
And I’m thinkin
Maybe 6 feet ain’t so far down

I’m so far down
Sad eyes follow me
Well I still believe there’s something there for me
So please come stay with me
Cause I still believe there’s something left for you and me…
you an me…you and me

Hold me now
I’m 6 feet from the edge
And I’m thinkin

Hold me now
I’m 6 feet from the edge
And I’m thinkin
Maybe 6 feet ain’t so far down….

Please come now
I think I’m falling
Holding on to all I think is safe…