who am i?

This year has been a season of change in my life or if you’d rather think of it as a season of seasons. What I mean by that is since this past summer I have felt as if I’m in a perpetual state of 2 week to several month periods of time where God shifts my focus on a different area of what is outside of my comfort zone. For example this past week I haven’t felt as though I’ve been “fitting in” in other words when I’m around the many different groups of people in my life who’s inner dynamics range and span the spectrum of personalities it’s as if my ability, some instinctual some learned, to express only the parts of me that are fluidly accepted by that group is confused. Now you may be thinking that my word choices are extremely confusing, but follow me on this. Whether we know it or not we all to some degree or another only show those certain parts about us that we know as individuals will be willingly ingested by those with whom we surround ourselves. Alright alright you need an example? Ok let’s pretend you have graduated college and you are employeed with a full time position in your chosen career field. For the sake of this example I’ll use the manufacturing industry simply because that’s what I know. Now, who I am at work and the professionalism I do my best to implement in that environment is not generally who I am with my closest friends because I feel comfortable enough to relax and cut up with those people. Even within that quality time I spend with people I live with or go to church with I’m still not sure I am who they want me to be. That being said I don’t want to be a comformist and make myself into someone I’m not just to feel acceptance from anyone. I am who I am even if that is a bit confused some, or most, of the time. My point for this blog I suppose is that being yourself is tough and can be taxing at times.

Untitled

As I’ve stated before (probably in a post that I’ve long since deleted) one of my struggles with blogging is that I have so many thoughts in my head that for the most part are private and not for public viewing. Even with this constant underlying issue I’m always analyzing, always contemplating, always trying to figure out ways to reword, generalize, or just simply vomit out of my brain the raw material that the neurons, firing faster in some situations than others, produce. This is the reasoning for extended lapses in my blog postings. I have found however that if I just open a new blog box and make my fingers start systematically pressing strategic buttons on the keyboard that somehow someway a blog post will begin to synthesis. The other fascinating thing that I’m going to go out on a limb to claim is that more times then not the post gets further and further off the author’s intended path. This intrigues me from the stand point that a philospher might claim that with an inanimant enitity such as a blog post in this case could have a form of life with the ability to change and adapt according to it’s voice or personality. The interesting thing to note is that this very blog has followed this model to the letter.

The other thing that I’ve noticed over my last couple or so posts and theme change is that I start writing at of a very emotional state be it sadness, anger, frustration, fear, worry, lonliness, quandary, critical thinking, or whichever verb, adjective, adverb, or other grammatical function you so choose that appears to fit into what most would perceive as a relatively negative family of words but in the end I always seem to be left with a since of relief much like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. This relief may manifest itself in such forms as happiness, joy, relaxation, a sense of peacefulness, or an overall calm amongst the storm. I have a friend that once told me that words have power and while these wise words were said within a spiritual context such is also true outside of the realm that many would mistakenly refer to as “religion” as is apparent with the aforementioned autobiographical example.

Now that I’ve received that relief that I all too often seek in unnecessary secular activities or items rather than in writing with the intended outcome of praising my heavenly father I think I will leave you all with a better glimpse of my more intellectual side. This side of me seeks not to have words dumbed down but rather to understand the more challenging words with which our given tongue has gifted us. I got none of my intended thoughts out but I hope that I have been somewhat worthy of your viewing, but more importantly I hope that you have been in some way blessed by taking some time out of your schedule to read this post. Whether you know it or not by you reading this post you have indirectly blessed me with your presence as well as you genuine expression of my worth by the devotion of your time which has ultimately been gifted, lent, and entrusted to you by someone much higher than yourself.

“Let go and I’ll break you.”

I wonder if anyone else has ever been at a point in there life when situations stop you in your tracks and then maturity come and smacks you in the face, but that’s the best way I can describe where I am. It’s been a while since I’ve last posted which has mostly been due to a busy schedule, but also because I’ve been trying to control everything. I’m not gunna lie it really sucks when God comes up behind you, taps on your shoulder, and says, “Let go and in return I’ll break you.” Now none of you reading this are idiots, so we all know how painful it is when God breaks us. (That’s actually a humorous thought to think that multiple people read this.) Anyway as sad, depressing, or negative as all this may sound the good news is that growth, maturity, and closeness with our Lord and Savior doesn’t come without being broken at least every once in a while.

Here’s wishing everyone deep spiritual growth.

a word of wisdom

so not to sound like i know it all but lately i had an epiphany that you might say should have been obvious but often times we as western thinkers all too often get caught up in linear thinking and miss the simple answers in life. this all started years ago and has continued every time i ponder which book of the bible to start reading next. well brothers, sister, and friends alike i would like to suggest that when you don’t know where in the bible to start reading; start at the start. just crack open the cover and begin with Gen 1:1. as you read let yourself become immersed in the story of creation that was written as an eastern piece of literature. in other words the bible is full of imagery and mystical happenings so set aside your analytical tendancies for a few minutes and imagine what it must have been like to experience the birth of all that I AM saw with His own eyes as good. i truly believe that sometimes God just wants to impress us so let Him, the supreme author, impress you as much if not more than your favorite novelist, poet, and/or author.

One Last Breath by Creed

Please come love
I think I’m falling
Holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I’ve found the road to no where
And i’m trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say…

Hold me now
I’m 6 feet from the edge
And I’m thinkin
Maybe 6 feet ain’t so far down

I’m lookin down
Now that its over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out
Heaven save me
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say
Let me say..

Hold me now
I’m 6 feet from the edge
And I’m thinkin
Maybe 6 feet ain’t so far down

I’m so far down
Sad eyes follow me
Well I still believe there’s something there for me
So please come stay with me
Cause I still believe there’s something left for you and me…
you an me…you and me

Hold me now
I’m 6 feet from the edge
And I’m thinkin

Hold me now
I’m 6 feet from the edge
And I’m thinkin
Maybe 6 feet ain’t so far down….

Please come now
I think I’m falling
Holding on to all I think is safe…

Breathe Into Me by Red

And this is how it feels when I ignore the words you spoke to me
And this is where I lose myself when I keep running away from you
And this is who I am when I don’t know myself anymore
And this is what I choose when it’s all left up to me

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I’m falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I’m falling, falling
Breathe into me

And this is how it looks when I am standing on the edge
And this is how I break apart when I finally hit the ground
And this is how it hurts when I pretend I don’t feel any pain
And this is how I disappear when I throw myself away

Life Lessons…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…feel me?

toe nail

Ok…well I haven’t posted in a while and I feel like I should. Everytime I want to post I feel like it needs to be a decent length and somewhat deep however I’m rarely able to isolate a single thought to write about much less organize it into a post. Friends I am here to tell you that I have come to a solution for this revolting development…write shorter, simpler posts DUH.

Welp here it is…an example of things I constantly think about:

Due to my ever present problem with engrown toe nails the way the nail on what I have affectionately dubbed my “grandma toe” has grown in it has creased and appears to be wanting to fall off. My epic follow up question to this update is: What does it say about me that I’m looking forward to this nail falling off?

The Intersection

I am sitting here on father’s day with so many thoughts running through my head…I need to call dad, do my homework, brush my teeth, and I want to write a new post. But also deeper things like how did God bless me with such an amazing girlfriend, why do I notice things that no one else does, what’s the purpose behind my fascination of studying others’ actions when they don’t think anyone else is looking, why is this summer turning out to be so much different than I had originally planned, and why does everyone else seem to have found a niche like photography, writing, programming except me.

I had a purpose for saying all of that and a direction for this post, but it’s completely escaped my mind. As we’ve been growing closer together and maturing Ev and I have been trying to help each other overcome some baggage from our own private pasts. A big word that continues to come up when I face the skeletons in my closet is trust. For one reason or another my coping mechanism for dealing with stress or burdens is to either bury the pain (out of sight out of mind) or push it away (run from my problems). This has caught up with me here and there in the past, but I think as I come to this intersection in life, where the largest chunk of my schooling is in the review mirror and the direction to take my life leaves me pondering in which direction to turn, the baggage is raining down on me to the point where the windshield wipers can’t keep up. All of this kind of hit me the other evening when I was sitting at Panera with my parents discussing large expenses in the future like house, car, student loans, etc.

So here I am sitting in my idoling truck at this intersection with the storm pounding down on this pathetic vehicle that is providing the only shelter I have from the elements. It suddenly occurs to me the only reason I can’t see through the storm is because my vision is failing me due to the lack of trust I have in myself. My heart has become as rigid as a well disciplined soldier who uses self control to keep himself in line. I’ve tightened the restraints I have placed on my life so hard that I choked the child like heart that I used to adore in high school right out. Ok God here I am realizing this. What are you going to do with me now? Why am I here and how did I get like this? All I need is to trust myself again. That can’t be that hard can it? It sounds so simple…just give me the wisdom and strength to trust myself again.

…been a while

Soooooooooo welcome back to my life, lol. It’s been like a year since I’ve touched this thing and last night I got to thinking that it might be fun to start back up again. My blogging history basically consists of xanga in high school and last year I started this one.

O what a difference a year makes…

This past school year I was called up by God to the leadership team at CSFand what a blessing it has been! I went through so many learning and teaching opportunities. The most valuable part of all this was that I was able to take a self assessment kind of thing that helped point out the way my personality and spiritual gifts line up with one another and how they can be better used to benefit the church and the kingdom. As one of the “veterans” at the campus house and turning 21 over the year I was really excited to see all of the new people and freshman come through our doors. I am really proud of them for getting as involved as they have been. I was also extremely impressed with the close ties they developed with each other…they really helped me to see the church for what it should be…a family helping and enjoying each others’ struggles and blessings.

Coming out of last summer and into the fall semester of last year I felt God instructing me to refocus my priorities both spiritually and just in general. One of the biggest things this meant was a break from thoughts and pursuits of the opposite sex. So what was I to do but listen? I’ll leave out many of the details but the end result of this period in my life was an A-M-A-Z–I-N-G blessing! I don’t know how God does it but somehow just when you’ve all but given up He puts the perfect person in your path. Yes folks (or the few that actually know about and read this blog) I’m talkin about my girlfriend, Ev! I’ve never been happier or felt the way I do before and I thank God for this.

Well I will wrap up by saying that the Haiti trip was amazing! I’ve never seen a group of people that have persevered in the face of oppression. I was astonished and taken back by their resourcefulness and genuine love for each other as well as complete strangers. During this trip God completely changed my heart and single handedly turned me into a softee for kids. I notice myself saying “aww” and “that’s cute” these days (I never would have been caught dead saying things like that before the Haitian Sensation).

Alright I think I’m done yacking for know because the fingers are tired of typing. So until next time…Peace, Love, and Chicken Grease!!