Breathe Into Me by Red

And this is how it feels when I ignore the words you spoke to me
And this is where I lose myself when I keep running away from you
And this is who I am when I don’t know myself anymore
And this is what I choose when it’s all left up to me

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I’m falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I’m falling, falling
Breathe into me

And this is how it looks when I am standing on the edge
And this is how I break apart when I finally hit the ground
And this is how it hurts when I pretend I don’t feel any pain
And this is how I disappear when I throw myself away

The Intersection

I am sitting here on father’s day with so many thoughts running through my head…I need to call dad, do my homework, brush my teeth, and I want to write a new post. But also deeper things like how did God bless me with such an amazing girlfriend, why do I notice things that no one else does, what’s the purpose behind my fascination of studying others’ actions when they don’t think anyone else is looking, why is this summer turning out to be so much different than I had originally planned, and why does everyone else seem to have found a niche like photography, writing, programming except me.

I had a purpose for saying all of that and a direction for this post, but it’s completely escaped my mind. As we’ve been growing closer together and maturing Ev and I have been trying to help each other overcome some baggage from our own private pasts. A big word that continues to come up when I face the skeletons in my closet is trust. For one reason or another my coping mechanism for dealing with stress or burdens is to either bury the pain (out of sight out of mind) or push it away (run from my problems). This has caught up with me here and there in the past, but I think as I come to this intersection in life, where the largest chunk of my schooling is in the review mirror and the direction to take my life leaves me pondering in which direction to turn, the baggage is raining down on me to the point where the windshield wipers can’t keep up. All of this kind of hit me the other evening when I was sitting at Panera with my parents discussing large expenses in the future like house, car, student loans, etc.

So here I am sitting in my idoling truck at this intersection with the storm pounding down on this pathetic vehicle that is providing the only shelter I have from the elements. It suddenly occurs to me the only reason I can’t see through the storm is because my vision is failing me due to the lack of trust I have in myself. My heart has become as rigid as a well disciplined soldier who uses self control to keep himself in line. I’ve tightened the restraints I have placed on my life so hard that I choked the child like heart that I used to adore in high school right out. Ok God here I am realizing this. What are you going to do with me now? Why am I here and how did I get like this? All I need is to trust myself again. That can’t be that hard can it? It sounds so simple…just give me the wisdom and strength to trust myself again.

…been a while

Soooooooooo welcome back to my life, lol. It’s been like a year since I’ve touched this thing and last night I got to thinking that it might be fun to start back up again. My blogging history basically consists of xanga in high school and last year I started this one.

O what a difference a year makes…

This past school year I was called up by God to the leadership team at CSFand what a blessing it has been! I went through so many learning and teaching opportunities. The most valuable part of all this was that I was able to take a self assessment kind of thing that helped point out the way my personality and spiritual gifts line up with one another and how they can be better used to benefit the church and the kingdom. As one of the “veterans” at the campus house and turning 21 over the year I was really excited to see all of the new people and freshman come through our doors. I am really proud of them for getting as involved as they have been. I was also extremely impressed with the close ties they developed with each other…they really helped me to see the church for what it should be…a family helping and enjoying each others’ struggles and blessings.

Coming out of last summer and into the fall semester of last year I felt God instructing me to refocus my priorities both spiritually and just in general. One of the biggest things this meant was a break from thoughts and pursuits of the opposite sex. So what was I to do but listen? I’ll leave out many of the details but the end result of this period in my life was an A-M-A-Z–I-N-G blessing! I don’t know how God does it but somehow just when you’ve all but given up He puts the perfect person in your path. Yes folks (or the few that actually know about and read this blog) I’m talkin about my girlfriend, Ev! I’ve never been happier or felt the way I do before and I thank God for this.

Well I will wrap up by saying that the Haiti trip was amazing! I’ve never seen a group of people that have persevered in the face of oppression. I was astonished and taken back by their resourcefulness and genuine love for each other as well as complete strangers. During this trip God completely changed my heart and single handedly turned me into a softee for kids. I notice myself saying “aww” and “that’s cute” these days (I never would have been caught dead saying things like that before the Haitian Sensation).

Alright I think I’m done yacking for know because the fingers are tired of typing. So until next time…Peace, Love, and Chicken Grease!!

Mr. Fix It

Aight so i don’t think this is going to be a long post, but you know me.

This afternoon when I got home from work I decided to cut my hair for my family reunion this weekend but when I plugged the clippers in the charge light didn’t turn on. To accompany that when I flipped the switch nothing happened. After messing with the cord (unplugging it and plugging it in and checking it for slits) for a while I asked myself what the next logically step was. Now keep in mind that I’m not usually one to demolish things that I posses, but I’m trying to be less afraid of breaking things and maybe figure a few things out for myself. As you may have guessed I grabbed the flat head screwdrivers and started prying. When I couldn’t get the clippers all the way apart by prying I jumped on the net and wouldn’t you know there was a hidden screw that was keeping the two halves from seperating. Alright, the stupid thing is finally apart and the nasty hair cleaned out.

So what’s wrong with it? I figure it’s the batteries but they are rechargable Ni-Cd and soldered in. I broke the solder and took the batteries out and figured I could put some regular batteries in as a temporary thing. I tried and tried to get regular batteries in and finally figured out that I’m going to have to file the nubs off of the positive ends. So after 5 hours of tinkering it’s still not fixed and I have no idea if it will be. Anyways that’s my update (sad I know).